After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
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I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
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Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You ate ashes out of my bong
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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