my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
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