You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
