So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
