Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
My Higher Power is John Stamos
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
