xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
