i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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