Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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