i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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