I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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