I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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