Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
