every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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