My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Verdict: uncircumcised.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
