i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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