she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
