your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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