I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
