Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
