Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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