Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
