How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
