the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I have surprise drugs for everyone
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
