My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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