Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
soo... how was my night?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
