I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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