your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
