I want to walk on stilts...naked
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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