Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
