omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
