Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
