that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
