Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
He felt like a one man threesome
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
