I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
