what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
