Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
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after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
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It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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