Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
