Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
