I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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