On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
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Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
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Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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