im six kinds of drunk right now
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
40s are totally the cure
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
