My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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