On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
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Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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