The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Sext me about skeletons
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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