Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
