I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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