the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
