allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
