ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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