I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
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