I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
