my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
