Pappa wants mamma naked
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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