I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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