i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
