Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
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I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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